Family Ministry Counseling - Family  Brief articles answering questions on family matters and parenting. Authored by Director of Counseling and Support Ministries, Dee Goar.

I have a 4 year old son who gets very angry if he can’t have his way or if he is unsuccessful in something he is trying to do. He screams, throws things and has even hit me when I tried to make him settle down. Help!

You are so wise to take action now. Anger habits are harder to break the longer the child uses that method to deal with frustration.

Handling children’s anger can be puzzling, draining and distressing for adults. It will be easier to deal with their anger if we can accept anger as a normal emotion….not something necessarily bad. We must allow children to feel all their feelings. Our goal is not to repress angry feelings but to help the child develop acceptable ways to express those feelings. We also need to model how to appropriately handle anger.

It is important to differentiate between the EXPERIENCE of anger, which is automatic, and the EXPRESSION of anger, which is a choice. It is not constructive to tell a child not to be angry. It is helpful to identify the feeling for the child and help them to learn acceptable ways to deal with it.

Most anger is caused by frustration, fear, or hurt. Try to identify the secondary emotion behind the child’s anger. “You seem to be really hurting because you were cut from the team.” A statement like that may help the child feel understood and encourage him to talk to you about what he’s experiencing. Just let him talk; don’t give advice. You could even identify with him by saying, “I’d feel hurt, too, if I had tried so hard and still got cut.” Encouraging him to talk about what has caused the anger helps him learn that talking is a good way to deal with frustration. He gets Mommy’s positive attention.

If a child’s anger seems out of control he may need to be in time out for a few minutes to get control so you will be able to hear his feelings. Keep your voice calm and firm. “I can’t hear you when you use that loud voice.” Occasionally a child may lose control so completely that he has to be physically restrained to prevent him from hurting himself or others. This should be accomplished calmly and not viewed as a punishment but as a means of saying “You can’t do that.” Sometimes all that is needed to calm an angry child is a hug or some cuddle time.

Our children, even the angry ones, need to be assured of our unconditional love. Parenting is a blessing and a challenge but the challenge is one that you and the Lord can handle together. So as always, the most important tool you have is prayer.