Family Ministry Counseling - Family  Brief articles answering questions on family matters and parenting. Authored by Director of Counseling and Support Ministries, Dee Goar.

My boys, ages 6 and 8, fight all the time. It is driving me nuts! How can I make them stop?

Little boys have a natural propensity for a little rough and tumble action now and then. It is important to differentiate between the occasional physical tussle and the habit of treating a brother with disrespect, sarcasm, or outright violence. We need to have a “zero tolerance rule” for disrespect in our homes. That rule applies to children and adults. We need to talk respectfully to our children and our spouse; they are so quick to model us, much to our chagrin.

The key is not so much making the fighting stop but building a new attitude of respect and dignity. Catch them being kind and affirm them for that behavior. Use mealtime to direct them into some positive conversation. Approach this time with a genuine sense of fun. You could ask “What is one thing you like best about your brother?” or “Tell about a fun time you had with your brother”, or “If you had all the money in the world what would you most like to buy for your brother?” Table time is a great time to teach sharing and respectful listening.

Encourage them to develop some shared interests whether it is matchbox cars, baseball cards or dirt bikes. Sharing interests will help develop a friendship between your boys that can last a lifetime.
Teach the Philippians 2: 3 & 4 concept of being humble and putting a brother’s needs above your own. This unselfish attitude will help them negotiate everything from toys to TV choices.

Share excitement about each other’s accomplishments. Be aware of the competitiveness that often exists between siblings and don’t let one feel putdown by the other’s victory. Encourage them to be each other’s cheerleaders. Celebrate each other. Occasionally help each boy plan a secret surprise for the other.

Have a short family prayer time before bed and ask them to pray for each other. There is something really special about hearing your sibling pray for you. Any time of day pray with both of them for a need, a sick friend, for a challenge one of them is facing.

You can share with them what God says about brothers in Psalm 133: 1 “How good and pleasant it is for brothers to live together in harmony,” and in I John 2:9 “Whoever loves his brother lives in the light and there is nothing in him that will cause him to sin.”

Growing your boys from rambunctious children into godly men is both a challenge and a blessing.